O, iRobot, where art thou?

Well, this is the future.

Your government has access to your digital lode, with the compliance of the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-advertising startup-cum-conglomerates that have provided you with so much information about the people you know that you no longer like anyone. Whatever your opinion of it is, the practice can be deemed “new” only in relation to the Eisenhower administration or New Coke.

We know that because a frustrated technogeek — be he hero or knave — had access to all the right doo-dads.

By the end of the year, you’re going to be able — if you’re splendidly wealthy — to take photos of unsuspecting passersby by winking at them. They, in turn, are going to hope for a device that will send you plummeting down the nearest flaming manhole. (Note: not a euphemism.)

Also in the pipeline, Microsoft’s Internet-required, no-disc Xbox One and scrambly-code-y technology that could kind of, sort of prevent hard-core gamers and hax0rz from reselling their run-of-the-mill, old-fashioned disc games. They are not amused.

It’s enough to make anyone so worried about being so full of doubt about everything anyway.

This leads to a question (or eight): Why have we opted to pursue the creepiest paths toward the future? Why did we skip over hoverboards and shoes that also make ice cream? I really could have jumped off the trend train with the meme where we stuck Surprised Patrick in everything.

No, no, we’ve just got to keep going, don’t we? Always pushing the transparent, WiFi-connected envelope. But not in the Rosie the household robot direction. We seem to have stalled out with the Roomba there — probably because cats started riding them and everyone decided that was good enough. Instead, we just keep funneling more and more information to THIS GUY, whom we wouldn’t even ask to prom let alone into our homes.

Can it be that we have so soon forgotten the parable of Smart House: Give away too much autonomy and you’ll end up with Katey Sagal in your living room and a fruit machine that’s trying to kill you? Did not Zenon teach us that with great technology comes great responsibility?

Let’s face it. We don’t even know how to put the technology we have to good use. We’re not ready for the future. Before we barrel down the path to Orwell Land, could we for a moment decide on some ground rules for today’s creepy technologies?

Thou shalt not check in at weddings, thine own or otherwise.

If you must Instagram the sonogram, do not make it your profile picture. It is weird and uncomfortable. Not to mention, we are now denying our children privacy even before they are expelled from the womb.

On that note, you would not name your child Klaus Poopvonpants, so please refrain from sharing anything about his or her bowel movements with your hundreds of followers. These kids don’t stand a chance.

To thine own selfie remain true and sparing. The fundamentals of your face have not changed since the last selfie 18 hours ago. It doesn’t matter how many different filters or angles you throw it at it. We get it, Blue Steel, you are incredibly surprised your phone is taking photos of you.

"Ugh. What is this camera doing in here? #paparazzi"
“Ugh. What is this camera doing in here? #paparazzi”

Ellipses have three periods, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shall count, and the number of the counting shall be three. All others are right out.

If you have nothing clever to say, may I suggest a poignant animal GIF?

Finally, if you plan on leaking immense troves of government documents before making public your identity, please provide a press kit. The world’s media outlets seem to have one photo of Edward Snowden, and they’re going to great pains to dress it up.


2 thoughts on “O, iRobot, where art thou?”

  1. okay, okay. this legit might be my favourite post ever. I love this post so much I want to marry it and put it on a shirt. well, maybe not both because it would be awkward to wear a spouse… but still. why HAVEN’T we made hoverboards and flying cars and instead MADE OURSELVES CREEPSHITS.

    this is going onto our Ovaries 2016 campaign, my friend.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s