9 Lessons I Learned From My Toys

They should have known when they handed these tools of instruction to someone who actively feared immaculate conception that there would be life-long consequences.


It’s unhealthy to neglect your friends, because if you do, they will poop themselves to death.

Physical deformities such as turds as large as the creature itself should also be overlooked. photo: wiki

Don’t Wake Daddy

Yes, honey, Dad’s nervous breakdown is actually all your fault.

“Troll! Troll in the dungeon!” photo:thosewerethe90s.tumblr.com


Codependency is a learned behavior.

“Feed me. Pet me. Put my batteries back in. You need me. You love me. You want me.” photo: buzzpatrol.com

Bop It

Disciplined obedience will get you far in life.

Sky Dancers

If you’re beautiful, you can indeed just get by on your looks.

Until your inevitable tragic collision with the glass ceiling fan. photo:fanpop


At the same time, picking your friends by their appearance will do you no good in the long run.

All Eevee, all the time. Lolwut. You want a Tentacruel? Go fish.

Polly Pocket

No lesson here, except how to make a damned fine toy.

You really can have it all, girls. photo: powerhousemuseum.com

Beanie Babies

Sometimes investments don’t pan out.

And eating Happy Meals for weeks just to get the special edition ones will make you a fat, unhappy cog in the machine of commercialism run amok. photo: aol


Finally, there are just some mysteries in life you’ll never understand.

Don’t hate the player. Hate the game you never knew how to play. photo: pogs.tumblr.com

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